My Drunk Stumble With God...

I lead a youth group at church on Wednesday nights for 7^th grade girls. And no, it’s not because the Ohio Reformatory for Women didn’t have anyone else (as someone asked; joking, of course...I am not on parole; nor have I ever been). Part of our assignment in group is to read and reflect on a Psalm every day. I am a little behind schedule. Ironically, when I decided to get on board, this is the Psalm I started with…

Psalm 15

“Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary?

Who may live on your holy hill?

He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman,
who despises a vile man but honors those who fear the Lord,
who keeps his oath even when it hurts,
who lends his money without usury (interest) and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things will never be shaken”

After reading that, I fear I will never dwell in the Lord’s sanctuary. I’m pretty certain (actually very certain) I am guilty of all those things. Maybe on a daily basis. Except accepting a bribe against the innocent. Probably because I am not exactly sure what that means and my Bible doesn’t break this verse down in the margin (I love when they break it down for dummies in the margins of my Bible)…

In my quest to strengthen my relationship with God, I realize that I am not sure I had much of a relationship with Him at all. While I am a passionate, empathetic person, who does my best to help people every day; I am nowhere close to being the person God has called me to be. Maybe it’s because I am still trying to figure out what He is calling me to be…Outside of this ‘feeling’, I have nothing else to indicate I am not doing what He has called me to do. That being said, after reading this Psalm, I am confident I do not live the life I was called to lead...Someone once said to me, “I’m not sure where you are in your walk with God”. To which I responded, “my ‘walk with God’ isn’t really a walk; it’s more like a drunken stumble”.

Reality: I am not walking. I am stumbling. Like a drunk woman. I am not walking in a straight line. I am putting one foot in front of the other, bouncing off things, tripping over my own two feet; all while thinking to myself I am doing pretty well for a person in my condition. I am leaning on friends (sometimes even strangers) to keep me upright and (what I hope is) in the right direction. Anyone who’s ever been stumbling drunk knows, you typically have one of two destinations in mind at that time: the bathroom and/or home. And typically you want to get to one of those places ASAP (before you vomit, pee yourself, pass out, or a combination of the three). I will admit, I have been there before. More times than I’d probably like to admit, but we won’t get into that. This isn’t confession, after all…

Any who…my “drunk man’s stumble” with God is just that. A drunken stumble. I have been living in excess, doing whatever I want, and stumbling along. I bounce off things, but keep putting one foot in front of the other. In my mind, I think I am doing alright. I mean, I’m getting there right? Much like the drunk person you try to take the keys from, I think I am FINE. In my mind, I don’t need help. Yet, I continue to lean on people to keep me upright and hopefully point me in the right direction. I am so focused on my destination (or what destination best suits ME at the time), that I don’t care what it takes to get there. I just want to get there. NOW. I have no patience. I am so focused on staying upright and getting to where I want to go, that I pay no attention to anything else. Then I wonder why I feel like shit the next morning and curse myself for making such stupid decisions the night before. Then I SWEAR, I am NEVER going to do it again. However, I keep repeating the same pattern; the same mistakes. Not as often as I used to, but continuing the cycle nonetheless…What’s the definition of insanity again? Oh yeah, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Oops…

Instead of giving lip service, I need to actually “put my money where my mouth is”. Instead of telling myself, I’ll get up early and read my Bible tomorrow, I need to do it TODAY. I need to ACTUALLY put God first instead of intending to. Big difference between intentions and actions. Even though I intend to make God and His will my top priority, I don’t. Period. No excuses.

No one can see our intentions. They can see our actions though. No matter how hard I pray for the guidance to become the person God wants me to be, I won’t get anywhere if I don’t put forth any effort. I certainly won’t get anywhere if I continue to repeat the same pattern; aside from walking myself into a circular rut (which I feel like I’m in already).

So, my goal today is to make decisions that honor the first half of the sentences in Psalm 15, not the latter.

Baby steps…

“Sober” baby steps…

I Should Pay More Attention to Myself...

I’m tired. And not a little bit tired. To the bone, deliriously, tired. I have felt like shit since yesterday. All of a sudden, in the middle of trying to get shit done, I hit a wall. Nausea, dizziness, fatigue, weak…just all around ugh. I’ve been dragging ass since. Literally. Dragging my ass everywhere today. On my way home from grocery shopping with my dad, I felt like I was going to fall out while driving. And it was only 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I had more errands to run and really didn’t want to go home because I knew I would have terrible time listening to my body and resting when I got home. However, I went home, put my groceries away, and crawled into bed. I slept on and off from 3:30pm to 6:30pm. I probably would’ve slept the entire time had it not been for the fly I can’t seem to kill, buzzing around my ear…

Now, I am not a napper. That is my sister’s realm. I often say, I don’t nap unless I am really sick or dead. And considering I am communicating with you now, I would say the latter is out of the question. Currently, I have laundry to fold, dishes to do, my kitchen table is a mess…but, I can barely keep my eyes open to even type this. After my little nap this afternoon, I was able to eat. However, my functioning is still not up to par…I lost a bag of shredded cheese. And by lost, I mean I had it in my hand one second, not in my hand the next, and no recollection of what I did with it in between. I looked in the fridge 3 times, the pantry, and the bedroom. I figured I just carried it with me and put it down. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve found random things in odd places. I finally found it on the 2^nd shelf of the refrigerator. In plain sight. Right in front of my face. Later on, I opened the dryer to get a roll of toilet paper. And those are only two of the things I remember off the top of my head.

Needless to say, as soon as I am done with this, I am going to bed. Period. The lesson I’ve learned today is to take care of myself. I think I spend so much time trying to get it all done and pushing myself to the absolute limit, that eventually my body says, “fuck you, I am DONE”. No matter how hard my mind tries to push, my body digs its heels in and refuses to do anything else. Then I spend time that I could’ve used being productive, recuperating from my previous attempt at uber-productivity. Bottom line: I will never get it all done. There will always be a list. I am always going to be a work in progress. If I don’t take care of me, what progress I have made will fall apart around me, so I need to listen to my body more and my crazy ass mind less…

PS: While attempting to post this, my internet wasn't working...I don't understand why they find it necessary to tell me that Internet Explorer isn't responding. As if, I didn't notice that my obnoxious clicking wasn't effective. Until 15 screens pop up...

Welcome to the Recesses of My Mind (Ok, not recesses. More like..."Welcome to the Random Spontaneity of My Mind")

I would like to write more. And by write, I mean type. Even though I have a dozen journals I’ve kept over the years; even though I still write in them from time to time, I now prefer to type. I think my inclination to physically write my thoughts and feelings down using paper and pen was ruined in college. I became so accustomed to typing everything, that I started to get writer’s block if my fingers weren’t on a keyboard. I became so frustrated with this phenomenon, that I was determined to ONLY write in an actual journal. Yet, here we are…I have so many thoughts running around in my head; putting them on paper (whether it be figurative or literal paper) seems to be the only way to get a little peace. I feel like technology is robbing us of our souls; or, at least it is robbing us of our patience. Something I had very little to begin with. I feel like technology makes things so impersonal. Instead of documenting thoughts in our own hand writing, they are documented in the traditional Times New Roman, 12 point font (which I refuse to use anymore)…but, that is how we are programmed. Standard font. Standard spacing. Standard. Standard. Standard. Instead of handwritten letters, we send emails. Instead of phone calls, we send texts. I find myself feeling relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone, so that I can…

CONNECTION! We are missing connection.

Sidebar: welcome to my ADD mind…where I constantly interrupt myself (and others) with random thoughts that intrude in my psyche. I try REALLY hard to disregard them or “shelve” them until I’ve completed the first thought. However, obviously my meds haven’t kicked in yet. I also know that 9 times out of 10, anything I “shelve” will fall into the black hole I often refer to as my mind. My mind is not a steel trap that retains information. It is a black hole, where thoughts fall into a deep abyss…

Ok, back to connection…We are missing connection. Which some days I am a complete “comma whore”. (That’s not what that sentence was supposed to say, but I used a comma that I realized probably shouldn’t have been there and that thought took over the remainder of my sentence. You see how this works? My mind, that is).

Ok, back to connection…We are missing connection. Which some days I am completely OK with. As much of a “people person” as I might seem, it wears me out most days. Exercising a filter and focusing on NOT saying EVERYTHING that comes into my mind can be EXHAUSTING. This constant exercise in exhibiting appropriate social skills isn’t as easy as it seems. I often laugh/cringe when I people tell me I just say what I think. Sometimes, I even get offended/butt hurt. Mainly, because THIS IS ME FILTERED (ok, not right this second, but I mean in every day interactions with others). I worked REALLY hard to be “PC” and not say anything to leave anyone blankly staring at me or in tears; yet, everyone else sees it as me saying what I think! TRUST: Most days, I DO NOT say whatever I am thinking…This is a somewhat scary reality. For everyone involved. Including myself. That being said, I realize it is now 5:56am and I needed to be in the shower 10+ minutes ago. Until next time…that I get up at 5am to do yoga, the DVD doesn’t work, and then I am left staring at my laptop…