I lead a youth group at church on Wednesday nights for 7th
grade girls. And no, it’s not because the Ohio Reformatory for Women didn’t
have anyone else (as someone asked; joking, of course...I am not on parole; nor
have I ever been). Part of our assignment in group is to read and reflect on a
Psalm every day. I am a little behind schedule. Ironically, when I decided to
get on board, this is the Psalm I started with…
Psalm 15
“Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?
He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman,
who despises a vile man but honors those who fear the Lord,
who keeps his oath even when it hurts,
who lends his money without usury (interest) and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things will never be shaken”
After reading that, I fear I will never dwell in the Lord’s sanctuary. I’m pretty certain (actually very certain) I am guilty of all those things. Maybe on a daily basis. Except accepting a bribe against the innocent. Probably because I am not exactly sure what that means and my Bible doesn’t break this verse down in the margin (I love when they break it down for dummies in the margins of my Bible)…
In my quest to strengthen my relationship with God, I realize that I am not sure I had much of a relationship with Him at all. While I am a passionate, empathetic person, who does my best to help people every day; I am nowhere close to being the person God has called me to be. Maybe it’s because I am still trying to figure out what He is calling me to be…Outside of this ‘feeling’, I have nothing else to indicate I am not doing what He has called me to do. That being said, after reading this Psalm, I am confident I do not live the life I was called to lead...Someone once said to me, “I’m not sure where you are in your walk with God”. To which I responded, “my ‘walk with God’ isn’t really a walk; it’s more like a drunken stumble”.
Reality: I am not walking. I am stumbling. Like a drunk woman. I am not walking in a straight line. I am putting one foot in front of the other, bouncing off things, tripping over my own two feet; all while thinking to myself I am doing pretty well for a person in my condition. I am leaning on friends (sometimes even strangers) to keep me upright and (what I hope is) in the right direction. Anyone who’s ever been stumbling drunk knows, you typically have one of two destinations in mind at that time: the bathroom and/or home. And typically you want to get to one of those places ASAP (before you vomit, pee yourself, pass out, or a combination of the three). I will admit, I have been there before. More times than I’d probably like to admit, but we won’t get into that. This isn’t confession, after all…
Any who…my “drunk man’s stumble” with God is just that. A
drunken stumble. I have been living in excess, doing whatever I want, and stumbling
along. I bounce off things, but keep putting one foot in front of the other. In
my mind, I think I am doing alright. I mean, I’m getting there right? Much like
the drunk person you try to take the keys from, I think I am FINE. In my mind, I
don’t need help. Yet, I continue to lean on people to keep me upright and
hopefully point me in the right direction. I am so focused on my destination
(or what destination best suits ME at the time), that I don’t care what it
takes to get there. I just want to get there. NOW. I have no patience. I am so
focused on staying upright and getting to where I want to go, that I pay no
attention to anything else. Then I wonder why I feel like shit the next morning
and curse myself for making such stupid decisions the night before. Then I
SWEAR, I am NEVER going to do it again. However, I keep repeating the same
pattern; the same mistakes. Not as often as I used to, but continuing the cycle
nonetheless…What’s the definition of insanity again? Oh yeah, doing the same thing over and over again,
expecting different results. Oops…
Instead of giving lip service, I need to actually “put my
money where my mouth is”. Instead of telling myself, I’ll get up early and read my Bible tomorrow, I need to do it
TODAY. I need to ACTUALLY put God first instead of intending to. Big difference
between intentions and actions. Even though I intend to make God and His will
my top priority, I don’t. Period. No excuses.No one can see our intentions. They can see our actions though. No matter how hard I pray for the guidance to become the person God wants me to be, I won’t get anywhere if I don’t put forth any effort. I certainly won’t get anywhere if I continue to repeat the same pattern; aside from walking myself into a circular rut (which I feel like I’m in already).
So, my goal today is to make decisions that honor the first half of the sentences in Psalm 15, not the latter.
Baby steps…
“Sober” baby steps…
